Footnotes.

I don't do a lot these days. Well, I actually feel like I do too much, but when Jeff comes home and asks what we did that day, I can never think of an answer. Today we have: watched the first ten minutes of Toy Story 2 three times (Adam thinks that watching TV is a necessity while I nurse Avery); colored (I will attach my picture of Woody and Buzz); played with fruit snacks and a toy barn (Adam thinks that the only purpose of fruit snacks is to place them in his toy barn- Jeff and I call them barn snacks); taken a long walk (we do this almost everyday); trapped Adam underneath a laundry basket (at his request); and re-swaddled Avery a bazillion times. But when it comes down to it, I do a lot of the same small things every single day, so I can never think of a good answer when Jeff inquires about our day. I told him to stop asking.

I've been hearing a lot about women who feel like they've lost their personal identity now that they're a mom. I get that. Being a mom is so all-consuming, that sometimes I'll just remember things about myself. Just the other day, I remembered all of the sudden that I used to sing. I used to sing competitively. It used to be a huge part of my life. Now, I don't really sing all that much and when I do, there's a 90% chance that it's going to be from Barney (to delight Adam) or maybe the Dawson's Creek theme song (to annoy Jeff).

What IS my identity outside of my kids? It was fun to try to think about. I am a 24 year old woman. I am married to my favorite person on the planet. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I like to write, but usually only things that are humorous or melodramatic. I know more about pop culture than anyone I have ever met- I just do. I also like Taco Bell more than anyone I have ever met. I take wicked hot showers. I am good at trivia and have a pretty solid knowledge of history. I like to read. I read fast. Sometimes I read so fast that I finish a book and feel like I've done the opposite of throw up- like I've sucked it up. I use the vomiting analogy because I always feel a little woozy when I read a book in a few hours. I also use the analogy because I like to say shocking things- it's another important part of my identity. I am not a good housekeeper. Zooey Deschanel kind of bugs me. I hate when Jeff just turns the volume down on the TV, instead of pressing the mute button. I cannot remember a time when I was able to touch my toes.

I can go further. I can tell you deep, personal things. I have anxiety. I was an insomniac for several years. I have many people that I love and think of often, but very few people who I actually reach out to. I have Postpartum Depression. The future scares me. I am afraid that Jeff will one day realize what a mediocre wife I am. I am afraid that I will never improve, never be the person I want to be. Oh, I can tell you things about me, about my personal identity.

But it's funny- all of those things feel like they don't matter all that much. It's like when I describe my days to Jeff- if I try, I can think of many aspects of my personal identity, but when it really comes down to it: I am a wife, I am a mother. That is my identity through and through. The other parts of me are merely footnotes. I bet that makes some people sad.  It really shouldn't. Listen, I like reading, but I like when Adam calls me "Mah-Mee" so much more. I like how when I  get him up from his nap and open the blinds, he says "Oooooh!" every time. I melt every time he says "Wuv yew." I like how smelling Avery's head makes me feel like everything in the world is right. I like how she constantly stretches. I was holding her yesterday, and she was looking right at me and I realized that being held by me makes this little person the happiest she can possibly be. What an honor that is! Being a mother makes me feel proud, makes me feel cherished. Most importantly, being a mother makes me feel like me. I like that.

But it is important to tend to my footnotes. I've been reading more lately. I've been singing more. I still can't touch my toes- oh well. Also, I wrote this. It was fun and rejuvenating to do so. I loved writing this, but even as I was telling you all about this deeply personal issue of my loss of identity, I really just wanted to talk about my kids. (Avery is holding her head up! Adam is talking up a storm!)

I think that's ok.

Adam holding his sister's hand.

Proud as a peacock when I actually do his hair. Not often. Sorry, kid.

Her hair just does itself. Here she is in 0-3 month size clothes! Everyday I have a moment where I am just blown away by how beautiful she is.

I drew Woody and Buzz. Luckily, Adam was able to recognize them, the dear boy. (You can also see my version of Daddy and Mommy and Adam wrote a couple of O's.)