Wednesday, November 28, 2012

How To Have A Bangin' Postpartum Bod.

I thought that since everyone is all sympathetic towards me after my depressing post, I'd go ahead and be super unlikable in this one. Balance the universe out.

And I ask you, what is more unlikable than a thin girl talking about losing weight?? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I've always been petite. Not really freakishly thin, but on the small side. And after I had Adam, the weight came off easily (That's what happens when you spend 8 months throwing up on your husband). With Avery... meh. I technically fit in many things that I did before, but I have weight in different places. My body has changed. I don't really have a problem with that, but I would like to feel at home in my own skin, so I have started putting minimal effort into weight control. Or at least weight awareness. Or at least I'm eating fewer Pop-tarts.

Listen, I don't have all of the answers. In fact, I don't have basically any answers to basically every question. And because of this fact (my general lack of answers), I would always make up little jokes in my head when people would compliment my postpartum figure. Because you know, some people are actually telling you that you look so good after growing a human being inside of you, but some people are just saying it because that's just what you say to women after they have babies. And some people (ME) can stare at the mirror and not be able to decide if some people (ME) look OK that day or if some people (ME) look like some people ran over them with a motorcycle. That last some people was not me- I do not like motorcycles.

Like I said, I don't have any answers. But wait- I do have some awesome fake ones.


  • Lay down flat a lot. Not only do you look skinnier when you lay down, you feel happier. Especially when in a non-conscious state.
  • Night sweats. A must-have in the Sarah-weight-loss world. It's a great thing if you sweat a ton after having a baby- make sure you make an effort to gross out your husband every morning with the sweat angel on your side of the bed. And don't change the sheets- keep 'em there to remind the world how many calories have melted off you. (Also, you're a new mom and probably too busy to get to it this week. No shame.)
  •  When you're pregnant, make sure that you gain a ton of baby weight in your bum. I know this doesn't seem like it is possible since you don't grow babies in your bum, but I totally gained some significant poundage in the trunk. And make sure you talk about this a lot- not just to your friends and family (or on your blog), but in public. Because old men at the doctor's office want to hear this too.
  • Don't use Spanx. OK, do use them if it works. But Spanx makes me look fatter. I'm not sure how it manages to do the ONE THING I paid 20 bucks for it no to do, but it totally does. So instead of wearing Spanx, just never wear anything other than the giant Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt (with the lovely inscription, "Say yes to pizza, say no to drugs") that you stole from your brother. That way you can be alluring and get kids off drugs. 
  • Stop wearing your maternity clothes. I know it's tempting, but maternity clothes are often made to emphasize your belly so that people know that you have a reason to be gaining weight in your belly. I feel like they de-emphasize areas of your body that it's less cool to be gaining weight in (though EVERYBODY does) like your arms and legs. Switch it around. And maybe get a shirt that says "Look how hot my arms are." 
  • On the other hand... keep wearing your maternity clothes.  True story- after I had Avery and I was in that "Aw, man, I still look 6-months pregnant phase" I would wear my maternity clothes and sometimes even just tight clothing that made me look pregnant because I realized that I was much happier if I was pretending I was pregnant. Because random people who think that you look pregnant have no way of knowing that you're not. I don't care if you're lugging around a newborn- nobody knows what's going on in your uterus. And if they ask when you're due- tell them you're due on their mom's birthday. It doesn't make sense, but it sounds mean and they'll appreciate that. 
  • Don't read articles about celebrities' post-baby bodies. What the heck, women of Hollywood??? We know that you're already prettier than regular women and we accept that, but do you really have to go out on the red carpet 2 weeks after giving birth while wearing a bikini? You look great and all, but we (regular women) would like you a lot more if you would just be normal and wear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shirts like the rest of us. Because we don't have nannies and trainers and personal chefs and also we kind of like kicking it in our giant t-shirts. So just stop, Hollywood. And stop saying you lost the weight by breastfeeding. I breastfeed. Millions of women breastfeed. WE KNOW YOU'RE LYING.
And finally...
  • Don't be so hard on yourself.  Wow. I guess I do have actual advice to give, after all. 
Me writing this blog.

Look how cute my kids are!


Val said...

Oh so funny. I feel like I actually can do some of those things.

And I totally agree with the celebrity thing. I already hated Angalina Jolie, but I really hated her after she "breastfed" twins.

Emily Jones said...

I just read this to my husband and I couldn't make it through without laughing a gazillion times. You're hilarious! I may not know you, but Jeff did good marrying you. Thanks for entertaining me for a few minutes.

P.S. I totally want one of those ninja turtle shirts.

Kristin said...

I love it! You crack me up, as always!

Shantel said...

Haha. I wish!

Jenny said...

Made me laugh out loud. Outstanding. :)

Natalie said...


Chloe Smith said...

youre awesome :)

AJ Araya said...

I love your first tip! I have never loved sleeping as much as I do now. :) You are awesome Sarah!