Friday, February 25, 2011

Horror! Nostalgia! Racoons! This Post Has It All.


 In first grade, my school friend Kylie and I loved The Lion King. Mostly we liked to talk about Lion King Land, a place that we reckoned was just behind a hill nearby the school. In Lion King Land, there were rides, various talking animals, and most importantly, a particular kind of ice cream that was popular for about a day in the 90's. I can't remember the name of it, but it was basically like Sweetarts that you could put on top of individual cups of ice cream. The candies were shaped like LK characters for a limited time, so it really was pretty understandable that they were part of the cuisine of Lion King Land.

Then when second grade came, Kylie came to school wearing a t-shirt with the raccoon from Pocahontas. I should have known things had changed. At recess, I wanted to talk about Lion King Land and how amazing it was, and Kylie wanted to tell me about a new place, Pocahontas Land. She told me that it just so happened to be in the same place as Lion King Land and that it too was a great place. I just looked at that dumb raccoon on her shirt and had an epiphany: Lion King Land wasn't real. I had made it up, of course, but I had believed so fiercely in it, that a part of me had forgotten that it was a fictional place. As a young child, my imagination was basically as vivid as a drug user's. Having a friend who also swore Lion King Land was real just validated my delusion. So when  Kylie was so disloyal to The Lion King, I took it hard. We were never close again and I never ever believed in Pocahontas Land. I never even liked Pocahontas- especially that dumb raccoon.


Dear reader, this post is actually about raccoons. It started that day and continues to this very line you're reading. I don't like raccoons. They make me very uneasy, in fact. How much do I dislike them? Lemme put it this way: you know the classic raccoon-killing novel, Where The Red Fern Grows? LOVED it.

Stanford has a coons problem. Jeff and I are the only ones who seem to notice, but it's true. I've caught them scaling the roof, digging through the dumpster and even hanging out on our patio. I think was bothers me most of all about them is how I usually catch them sneaking around in groups. Basically they've formed raccoon gangs and I am the informant that they want to terrorize.

My paranoia had reached epic levels, so Jeff decided to take me home to Utah to recuperate during Christmas. (At least, I'm pretty sure that's why.) When I returned home, I felt a renewed sense of hope. The coons were gone, I could feel it in my bones. Or so I thought...

A few nights ago we had the front door open (we live in California,  suckers) and after checking on Adam, I came down the stairs and looked through our screen door at the nice night. Suddenly, the leaves rustled. Not unusual. Then I heard heavy breathing. It sounded like some sort of fiendish dog and my first thought was the scene in To Kill A Mockingbird where Atticus has to shoot that rabid dog and it made me scared that I'd have to figure out a non-gunny way to kill a dog, the thought of which is almost as horrifying to me as a raccoon street gang.

The breathing got heavy and I got more alarmed and then there was an abrupt silence. I stared out the door, not fully convinced and then ALL OF A SUDDEN a raccoon walked past very deliberately. Reader, it was terrifying, mostly because it felt exactly like this scene in Signs. 

 


You may think I'm exagerating, linking a raccoon to a hostile alien takeover. BUT you don't understand!!!

There are gangs of them!!! 


They live among us, hiding by day, but practically joy-riding around at night. They eat your children's trash. Think of the children('s trash)!!

What is the world coming to?

8 comments:

Jeff said...

As soon as I finish my reading, I'll go out on a coon-kickin' adventure. Unless it's raining. I think it's raining.

Dreamer Desperate for Sleep said...

Any Blair Coons? That would be truly terrifying. We used to have racoon gangs up here too, but they must have all moved south...

Marni said...

No pity for you. The coyotes are far more terrifying. They. Eat. Cats. And you know what? They even go after children. Not childrens' trash. Real children.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxsfJNFseDs

Mary Susan said...

Are you sure that your 1st grade brain isn't making a come back. I haven't seen a single raccoon since I have been here. That is kind of creepy that it walked right in front of you though!

You wouldn't like my home in Virginia. They would come up all the time by the sliding door on the deck (that they climbed up!) and eat the cat's food.

Adam is crawling! That makes me so excited :)

Karissa said...

I don't really see what's to like about Raccoons. They're sort of like Rabbits. People think they're cute and cuddly, but they aren't. They're evil.

Also, Pocahontas has a horrible ending. I've never liked movies with bad endings.

Tiffany said...

Sarah,
Can I come live with you in California. I would do almost anything to see some sun. I'll beat off the racoon's!

Val said...

This is so funny. You have such a way with words.

Natalie said...

Sarah, how are you so hilarious?!

I'm sorry about your raccoon problem. That is quite a predicament...